The Angry Bus

April 12th, 2011 |

By Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT, Object Relations Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

My yogi friend Leila told me this story:
It was a horrible cold rainy day in New York City, and Leila was waiting for the bus. Suddenly a woman came up to her and asked which bus went to 98^th Street.
“The bus I am waiting for, the M15, stops at 96^th Street,” Leila said.
“I don’t like the M15. I was just on that bus and had to get off because the bus driver was nasty and started a fight with me.”
“That’s too bad,” Leila said. She thought about her own struggles on the yoga mat earlier that morning when she started out mad at her boyfriend, and worked her way through it. “Sometimes you can stop being mad. It’s not worth it. Anger takes too much energy and can spoil your day. Let it go.”
“That’s just what I always tell my kids,” the woman said. “It’s never worth staying angry. Let it go, I always tell them.”

Just then the M15 drove up. “Hey, here comes another M15,” Leila said.” Let’s get on the bus together.”
“No,” the woman said. “I don’t like that bus.”
“But it’s not the same driver. It’s a different bus than the one you were on before. Come on!”
“NO!”
Leila got on the bus by herself while the woman stood alone in the sleet.

Later Leila decided that this was no ordinary woman; she was really an angel sent to show people what anger looks like.

I love this story. It shows exactly how crazy anger makes us. The woman, who I feel should have name- let’s call her Angela- chose to stand in the freezing cold rain rather than get on a warm dry bus that would take her where she wanted to go. How many times have I done that? So many times I’ve preferred to stay angry and feel justified, feel RIGHT, when really a solution is in front of my nose, if I could only drop my angry blinders and see it. You know the phrase, “blind anger”? This is a perfect example. Angela was blind to the opportunities the bus was offering her.

Leila tried to give her a helping hand, but Angela refused to get on the bus, even with Leila’s company. And the bus she turned down wasn’t the exact same bus where she had her first problem; it was a different bus, just with the same number. Angela knew that, but it didn’t matter. As far as she was concerned, all the M15 busses were no good. Her anger with one bus had spread out to include all busses with the same number, just as anger with one person can spread out and affect other people who somehow remind you of the person you’re really angry with, but you don’t know it, you just automatically condemn everybody, miss the bus, and stand cold and alone in the rain.

People who are controlled by their anger rain on everybody else, too. They feel alone, and then they arrange to be that way by chasing everyone away, or by not recognizing hands of friendship. William James, the famous psychologist, said, “the things we pay attention to most become our reality.” Angela’s reality was an angry bus. If you can get behind the rage and work with it before it takes on a life of its own you’re ahead of the game. You need to know yourself better, find your buttons and press uninstall. A therapist will help you recognize your issues and develop better controls. The sooner you can recognize and name your feelings, the sooner you can be in charge. Meditation and yoga can help too.

And what if you do feel angry, then what? Take a deep breath, and “do turtle.” Fold your arms around yourself, give yourself a big hug, and breathe. “Doing turtle” is a feature of the PATHS (Promote Alternate Thinking Strategies) program developed by Mark Greenberg to teach children how to recognize and deal appropriately with their emotions. It works for adults too. Resorting to PATHS, psychotherapy, meditation and yoga will teach you to recognize your feelings and slow down and reflect before you act. It takes time, of course, to develop new skills, but it’s worth the investment.

So get on the bus.

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©Copyright 2011 by Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT, therapist in New York, NY. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile